Rohirrim Recruit Handbook: An Unofficial Guide
by Minstrel of Ainur
Summary: A light and fluffy handbook composed by Éothain, Seargent-at-Arms of Marshal Éomer. The official guidebook for Rohirrim recruits! Have fun! 1 shot. Please R&R.


Author's note: This is my first attempt at cracking a piece of humour on the Rohirrims (I am not very good at it!). All characters are copyright of J.R.R. Tolkien. Ranking (not kills) is based on LOTRO-pvp. Have fun reading. And please R&R!

* * *

><p><strong>A Rohirrim Recruit Handbook: An Official Guide to the Éored Bootcamp of The Third Mashal.<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Part I: Introduction<strong>_

_First of all, welcome and thank you for having the courage to join the bootcamp of The Third Marshal. You have chosen the most honourable path. It is with our upmost expectation that you would find pleasure and joy within your employment period with us, that is if you should survive the assaults from orcs, Uruk-hais, Wild men, Easterlings, wargs, so on and so forth, to name a few. Having said that, the responsibility of even a recruit is no easy task to be taken lightly. This carefully structured guide will assist you in your daily dealings with your fellow riders and simple norms to blend you in the éored. _This will be the most important guide you will ever need throughout your life as a renowned warrior._  
><em>

_(Note: Guide to horse-care and horse-riding have been excluded from this handbook since we have expected every Rohirrim to have known these from the day he was born. Well, unless, you are a Hobbit, Esquire Merry might be able to assist you in this case)  
><em>

_There are a hundred and twenty riders in an éored including your Captain. The Captain or Marshal in general is a tough guy, you know, really tough guy (because you need to have killed at least two thousands enemies, men or beasts included, to be promoted to that rank! Please see **Part III** for more information). Age is no matter of concern though. Both Lord Elfhelm and Lord Erkerbrand can barely read any letters unscrolled in front of them and they are still Marshals. So you can work your way up slowly or maybe not too slowly in case you die and only miss one kill before you could be promoted!_

_Lord Éomer always has a reputation for being tough in his demands. You have to learn to read the orders from his facial expression and gesture. Pay close attention to the movement of his eyes and brows, then your life should be somewhat bearable and predictable. Or, if you are not man enough (such a coward!) and have decided to join other éoreds, you might be lucky enough to be assigned to Lord Grimbold. It is best that you know how to count. You know, the method of one plus one with your fingers and toes. We have some very reliable insight that he is very bad with numbers. He keeps telling us he has two hundred forty men in his éored! Ugh!_

_If you should survive long enough, you will find yourself emerging with plenty of renown (that is if you don't hide under a banner or pretend you are dead in a skirmish or raid) together with skills and experience of fighting on horse that surpass any iffy elf._

_So, welcome to the bootcamp and we wish you the best of luck._

_Yours Ever So Sincerely and Lovely,_

_Éothain, Seargent-at-Arms of Éored of Marshal Éomer_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Part II: The Norms<strong>_

_**Number One: Your captain, Lord Éomer, only sees two colours.**__ There is only right or wrong. It sometimes takes a great effort to judge what you see but you will learn it the hard way. He will shout at you regardless of your rank if your opinion is invalid. It is your doings that determines you, not the hay you offer to Firefoot or the droppings you shovel off._

_**Number Two: Always be suspicious of random company of three units.**__ Lord Éomer has least preference when there is a group of wanderers roaming in The Riddermark, especially when it consists of a lanky man, a filthy dwarf and a dodgy elf. _

_**Number Three: Gesture and helmet as a sign of command.**__ As mentioned previously, Lord Éomer does not give verbal command very often. We rely on the motion of his eyes and brows to guess his orders (which sometimes come out completely wrong). When he takes off his helmet, it means there is no threat and you can lower your spear (It took me so long to figure that out! First time he took it off in front of me, I thought he either wanted his hair combed or water fetched with his helm! You should be utterly blessed that you are given this handbook!). _

_**Number Four: NEVER EVER mess around with Firefoot**__, even when you are really really bored and there are no orcs to kill. That horse does not obey anyone except its master. If you have a strong affinity for horse spits and droppings, or wish for a quick death, then go and stand in front of it._

_**Number Five: He dislikes old men hooded and cloaked.**__ So make sure your parents do not wear hooded cloak when they come to pay you a visit at your camp. Failure to do so may result in unnecessary casualty._

_**Number Six: He hates men with forked tongue.**__ You can either say one thing and stick with it, or say another and fail miserably. Very soon you should be under the suspicion of treachery, Lord Éomer may approach you in the most unpleasant manner. Oh, you might consider wearing some chainmail around your jaw and neck if that has come to you._

_**Number Seven: Keep makeshift and provision simple and light.**__ When we are on the move, it is usually when we are making a charge at some enemies. So please ensure that you carry as little with you as possible. We are usually advised to carry our armour, chainmail and tunic. One pot and pan for cooking. A blanket and a simple makeshift. No additional clothing is allowed. One cannot really tell that if you are wearing the same clothes when you leave and when you return anyway (Please see __**Part IV**__ for additional information). _

* * *

><p><em><strong>Part III: The Rankings<strong>_

_Your ranking or renown is determined by the number* of enemies you have slain along your line of service._

_Rank Recruit, kills none_

_Rank Footman, kills five_

_Rank Esquire, kills twenty_

_Rank Guardsman, kills forty_

_Rank Man-at-Arms, kills eighty_

_Rank Sergeant of the Guard, kills a hundred and twenty_

_Rank Sergeant-at-Arms, kills two hundreds_

_Rank Master Guardsman, kills four hundreds_

_Rank Master-at-Arms, kills seven hundreds_

_Rank High Warden, kills a thousand and a hundred_

_Rank Lieutenant, kills a thousand and five hundreds_

_Rank Commander, kills two thousands_

_Rank Marshal, kills greater than thousands_

_*Note: An Oliphaunt still counts as one unit of enemy. And same goes for trolls, fell beasts and dragons. It is not the size that counts. I am sorry._

_Extra Note: I did slay at least 200 enemies, you know. I am not just some pretty blond with no brain that most of you assume._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Part IV: Other Untold Bits and Bobs<strong>_

_Do not challenge Lady Éowyn to a sword fight. You will only shame your fathers and go down like a loser (Tried and tested many times at our camp and we still have fools challenging her at every recruitment run and fail miserably). She __**IS**__ Lord Éomer's sister. The same blood flows in their veins, for Béma's sake!_

_Do not, in any way, be acquainted with Gríma. For reasons I cannot say here. You should approach me at my tent if you wish to learn more but tell no one! (Some say that his hands are moist and he stinks, maybe that is enough!)_

_You are expected to be proficient at sword-fighting, bowing and spear-throwing while riding ON your horse. It is too late to say No now and you should be ashamed of yourself if you have not known that by now. (I am still surprised at the number of recruits who did not know about this! Lord Gamling has better revised the recruitment notice but keeps using the same copy for the last twenty odd years!)_

_You will always get dirty. So do not BOTHER with bath. Nobody will complain if you stink, after all, we all stink so much that we cannot the smell from each other or tell ourselves apart from the horses. _

_Lord Éomer sometimes sleeps in the stable box with Firefoot. If you cannot find him anywhere else, you should find him there. But do not expect a warm welcome from Firefoot._

_Do not accept any food prepared by Lady Éowyn. As far as I have learnt, she is a good sword-woman but very horrible cook! Just simply and politely say "I can't". She will then find the next poor man to offer it to._

_**DO NOT**__ disclose any of this guide to either Lord Éomer or Lady Éowyn. This is not the draft that I showed Lord Éomer earlier. Nobody needs to know about it._

* * *

><p><em>This handbook is published solely as a guidance for new recruits. It should not be in any way used as a procedure to progress as a renowned warrior. Terms and conditions always change and it is for your best interest to always consult your Captain first. Results are not guaranteed. And, again, DO <strong>NOT<strong> SHOW HIM THIS HANDBOOK!_


End file.
